Dissertation, assignments, projects and reports. These common words heard beginning of the final year term of degree. Fasting month just kicked off like 5 days ago and still on going for another 25 more days. It seems like time just moved a lot faster than before. With 1 year left to completing my degree more question came to pop up in my head. I promise myself i won't slacked off this final year and will try to get 1st class honors again. That way i can probably apply for scholarship again for my masters program in the near future.

Just got my P license after being forced by my parents. I was kinda lazy to get it because i didn't have a car for myself yet. Since my sis's car is the only 1 now, she likes to ask me to drive her around now. I'll probably need to drive back to hometown for this upcoming Hari Raya. WHY MUST IT BE MANUAL ? LOL. To drive around in a manual car around the city center area is really troublesome, why ? cause there's a lot of cars on the road and you'll probably be stuck in a jam.

I can't seem to handle my finance very wisely these days even though I'm not attached to anyone right now. I guess, I'm appreciating myself too much until i forget to save up some.
Thank God its fasting month, i guess i can save up a bit since i won't be eating a lot. Bad thing is i don't really go to the gym these few days. After breaking fast, your body should be filled with food and you can't really work out unless you rest for like 1 hour or more. Another thing is gym kinda close early during this month i guess since not many will go anyway.

I guess that's all for now, time to work my ass off instead of slacking. Don't want to make all my work pile up.

As times goes on i began to wonder about certain changes that been going through in my life.
For quite awhile i thought that i would regret on certain things,
but i'm glad that God did actually helped me and make me aware of what i had.
Cause if not why would i be living a better life now and i'm happy with what i have now.
I began to appreciate myself more, more confidence in myself, meeting new peoples and places.
I was once a fool back then, making myself with no pride, giving my pride and ego away,
for someone that's not worth it.
Eventually i noticed that i wasn't so fucked up to begin with, it's what i did with that person
that make me like a fucked up person.
but yet again i wasn't as bad as that someone.
I pitied the other party to get the feeling that i get during that time.
I guess karma is a bitch and will get those back on you someday.



Nowadays i see people becoming more and more greedy with money.
What was rightfully mine is slowly drifting away from my possessions.
What i meant was inheritance from my late mother,
They are getting more than what my sis and i are getting,
but still they can't get enough of it and wanted more.
To be honest i don't really care about money, and i don't really put much hope in it.
Cause i know i'll still be thankful to God for what i have right now.
Eventhough i might not be as successful or rich,
but i'm trying my best to get there in the future.



As far as studies, recent results wasn't really to be proud of.
I got myself distracted and carried away by the current.
People were noticing but i guess it's my own fault to begin with.
How could people help if i don't even help myself in the first place.
With 1 year left of studying, i hope i won't let my family down.
Getting good grades comes first, in order to become successful.
Won't be distracted or become lazy when the new semester commences.



Today my cousin got his first salary and treated his wife, my sis and me to nice a dinner.
Dinner at Chili's at Empire Gallery Subang, situated near my home.
It's nice being treated to a nice dinner, well soon it'll be my turn to do that.
Seeing this moment, makes me realize that i'm not a kid anymore that i used to be.
Soon i'll have to take responsibility in my life and not depend on parents anymore.
Having the lost of a mother at young age and dad staying far away,
makes me lonely at times, well they are times you wish you have them by your side.
I'm already 21 years old this year, i can't really be playful and taking life for granted anymore.
Who knows how long will i even stay in this world.
What i'll become in the future.
Who is still gonna be there by my side.



I missed my mum and dad.
I missed those times when we are all together as a family.
I guess i can see myself getting older and older each year.
Looking back on those times, either sad or happy.
I guess God has its plan, constantly testing myself to circumstances.
Everything have a positive side to it, just need to look at the brighter side of life.
I guess all this events make me stronger as person,
what we experience make us more aware of the situation,
in the hopes of not making the same mistake again or to improve what we lacked.

Well that's my story for now, as life is similiar to a storybook,
my life have not reached its end of the story just yet.
So there's still time for me to change my own fate and future; and make my story interesting.

Long holiday considered boring but when it's ending soon, we wish it won't end.
College will start soon end of next month, that's where my final year degree will start.
More works, assignments, reports and thesis to be handled soon.
6 months training after the 1st semester, sigh i hate training.
But look on the bright side, I'll be going to France during my final semester for 2 weeks.

Actually so many things have been on my mind lately, since I'm so free at home.
I was thinking about how will i turn out after my studies?
What will happen to me in 10 years time?
Right now, i don't really care about relationship.
More focus on something else.
Like my best friend said why don't you give yourself a break, be single for the time being.
I agreed to him, cause if i were to be in 1, that girl should be like a rebound.
and i'm not so bad like someone to be putting her in that condition.

Been going to gym for 6 months already and not much difference.
Probably because of my eating lifestyle.
Did alot of cardios but still the same.
I guess i need to control what i eat and drink.

Okay then no more whinning since i already don't know what to write anyway.

Does anyone knows what they really want in life?
Well i don't think so, that's why people take risk exploring and experiencing new things.
There's really nothing to lose, but if you didn't take the risk,
You'll probably have this thinking of "what if" and regret that you didn't take the chance.

But once you know that something is bad for you, of course it's time for you to let it go.
Just like love, you let go. If it does come back, and dont leave you again and again, it's yours.
If not it's just another phsycoligal method to get people on their "hook".
"Hook" meaning giving the person a light of hope for you to be together but just for him.
In reality, this kind of person would do anything for that other person because he/she thought he/she might have the chance to be together but it's not gonna happen ever.
Mostly they would use the word "i can't be with you right now" or "i don't know what i want for now".
Sadly i've experience being hooked by one.
After looking back, i feel very stupid and really looked like a fool back then.
That's why if you notice you're being used or the other person only look for you for benefits,
the answer is "Leave and Move On Immediately".
This kind of people only find you when they need you, but when they don't, basically you don't exist, you're only exist when she needs something from you.

So please be careful and don't get yourself "hooked".

A story about a friend of mine,
An insight about him is that he is a selfish guy,

He doesn't have a mother and his father stays far away from him.

He's living with his sister and step brother.

Likes to pretend in front of people, acting cool and being cold to the person he loves.
He even said the meanest things to her and did many wrong doings to her before.
But actually if you know the truth behind those ice cold figure,
He's actually lonely and always cry at night when he's alone in his room.
No matter what he did or said before, he actually does care and love her.
Maybe it's just his way of showing how much he care and love for that person.
He's always there when she needed him, no matter how cold he is, he's still gonna be there,
showing up everytime she calls or messaged him.

Wonder why he's acting like that?
It's because the person he loves isn't with him anymore, she's with someone else.
It's really painful to see someone you love with someone else.
Of course a man's ego is to show that you're doing fine and treating her cold as if you hate her.
Sometime he would just call her just to hear her voice and puts down the phone as soon as she said hello.
Oftenly does it when he's crying in his room, missing that person so much.
He said that he would eventually erase her from his life permanently,
but doesn't seem doing well at it.
Because all he does everyday is looking at her facebook, thinking about her,
wondering what she's doing, is she fine or doing well right now.
It's not as if he has nothing better to do, it's just that he's been with her for a year plus,
well for many people this time frame is short but for him it was very long.
He have met lots of girls before her and after her, dated and coupled with most of them, but of all of those girls, he can only think about her.
Logically speaking, that girl was the first that he felt happy and sad at the same time.
He did many things that he didn't do with others, he didn't felt what he felt with others as well.
Although sometimes his friends tells him that he suffers being with her, but actually he suffered more without her.
Even when he's happy, he'll never be happy like he was with her.
He kept wondering to himself whether one day he could have those moments with her again.
Being happy, sad or any moments, which leads to her being there with him again.

I felt sorry for him, but he told that he is determine to let her go permanently.
He won't wait for her anymore and act like a fool.
Eventhough how much he loves her, eventually he needs to face the ugly truth that she's gone and let her go.
So he's currently struggling to find happiness and ways to erase this bitterness.
Trying not to think of her, making himself occupied, having more responsibilities.
Whenever he has the urge to call her, he would just tell himself that it's over and he need to wake up; and stop acting like a child, because nothing is permanent in this world.
One day everything or everyone will leave you someday, and it's up to you on how you gonna live your life in the future.

Well that's about it for now, a story about a friend of mine.
Kinda sad to see someone being miserable like this but what to do, this is life.
Without challenge there's no meaning to life.

It's been a while since i last blog or talking to this imaginary wall of mine.

In fact i have something to share.
You know when they say "people come and go".
It does happen to me this few months. People do come and go.
When i was dating another girl, this ex of mine appeared again.
Due to confusion and unresolved feelings before made me let go of that girl i was dating.
Well to be honest, we were not on a good terms anyway. So, i guess it was the right thing to do.

Obviously i went back with my ex. Technically not officially, cause she was still with her current bf.
Well this thing we're having lasted only for few days and again i got left like how she did earlier.
But its okay since i don't really put much hope in this and kinda know where we going anyway.
So we became strangers again.

Few weeks later, she was going out with my sis, cause my sis needed her help to go to Johor to meet with her bf. Without my knowing, i was kinda angry at both since my feelings is still hurt.
I did not want to see her nor calling or texting, basically i didn't bother to know her existent.
Knowing me, when she messaged me that time, i was really pissed off.
So, i sent many messaged that was kinda harsh in a way. I don't really mean it when i say that.
It's just my nature to be treating other people that pisses me off.

Few days later, she got admitted into the hospital but nothing serious i guess.
I was worried about her, well if you must know, I'm still in love with her.
Visited her in the hospital with my sis, i bought some daisies for her as well.
Well in front of my sis, i acted cold to her and didn't talk to her at all.
But the next day, i visited her myself and accompanied her.
Taking her out for a walk on the wheelchair.
Buying her some hot dog and drinks since she's been eating hospital food (food sucks).
Basically spending time as if I'm her bf, taking care of her, being there for her.

But when she's been discharge from hospital, i guess i was forgotten in an instant.
Didn't received any calls or messages.
Not a single word from her since then.
I guess she only needed me since she was all alone there.
But the moment she went out, I'm back to where i was.
Being a complete stranger.

That's why people come and go.
People will find you when they needed something.
When they don't, you're just a nobody.
Left forgotten.

But it's okay, i gave up on all those things I've said before.

Feelings

Sometimes the only thing you want is happiness but every single time you're happy for 1 minute there's always something bad coming your way...
The only thing that you want from your other half is just loyalty, faithfulness and loving sincerely...
The last thing on our mind is getting lied by someone close to you...
Some people just dont realise what they have until their gone even though its already few times she realised but still she's not aware and appreciating what she have...
Every single day i have to go through with feelings as if she's lying to me behind my back...

As i watch a show yesterday, even though he's the only one not knowing about what her daughter did and have to find out about it some other way, but he still give in to her decision and wanted to see her happy because he made a promise to take care of her and preventing her from doing stupid mistakes...even though he gets yell at by everyone i guess people don't see what he's really trying to do..

Sometime i cant even speak in front of her cause one word can cause a lot of unnecessary problems and stress, and when i'm stress I'm always getting sick...
This sickness have been going on for about 4 days already and it usually happens at night at a specific time period...
I'm just scared that i might have some kind of disease in my body or maybe supernatural stuff that's going on in my body...

I love her so much, but does she?
Is she being truthful to me?
Is she lying to me behind my back?
How do i know she loves me?
Will she change her attitude?

I know she's not the only one to be blamed, i admit i made mistake as well cause we're human, we cannot escape from making mistakes as mistakes is part of life and our learning process to be a better person.
I'm not saying I'm better than you, there's some part that you're better and some part I'm good at too.
The important thing is sincerity in doing anything for my sake, whether there's love with what you do and are you really happy being with me?

What I'm trying to say is, if you really want this to work, please try to be more sincere, trustworthy, loving me sincerely and please please don't flirt around with guys as they might have the wrong idea about you...
If you a have a boyfriend please act like you have one, don't act as if you're single...that's why people always think negative about you even myself...
People always me this question...

Is she seeing other guys?
What have she done for you lately?
Is she sincere to you?
Can she change to be a better person?
Who is she dressing up to impress? you? or other guys?
Can she be trusted?
Is she worth your time, energy and money?
Does she calls you to know what's you're doing?
Does she pick up your phone calls fast to show that's she happy you've called?

These are some of the questions that you should look into and think about....
I seriously love you so much and I'm trying my best not to doubt your love for me...
Please try to show your love as much as you can so that people can see what you did for me...
Please give me happiness as i haven't felt that in awhile...
This way everyone including me will know much you love me and i will know what am i worth to you....
Sorry for anything that will hurt your feeling, if you could just be more patient and handle things with calmness...
Please for one moment try to understand me...

Loving you with all my heart and sincerely.